Losing Control !


It’s been around 50 days since Dad’s sudden demise, but I haven’t been able to get over the it. I was never in great terms with him but it still hurts. Never in my dreams did I think I would be so affected by his death but I am. The fact that I never spoke to him during the last 50 days of his life doesn’t help either.

I’m a man who has always liked to be in control of a situation. One of the reason’s I quit smoking pot was an incident where I lost control and couldn’t put a check on behavior.

This instability hasn’t been helping my personal life. I’ve been in a long distance relationship for quite some time now and the fact that she feels suffocated by me kills me inside. There was a time when she would recieve my call at one ring. I’ve been calling her all evening and she has cancelled my call once and let it just ring away for the past 3 hrs isn’t helping.


PS – This was written on 7th November, 2013 at 4.43 pm. Posted today. An update – 4 months after writing this I got to know the woman was cheating on me, Only 7 months after this post she admitted to it.


Bored !

First You Smoke the cigarette, Then the cigarette smokes you ! Quit Smoking Today !

It’s Ash Wednesday today. That time of the year when I promise myself  that I will abstain from all things I love doing. Though, I’ve been abstaining for lent for the past 8 years, not once I have left a cigarette during this period. Abstinence meant no meat or booze for 45 days but the cigarette stick has always popped right into my mouth at every opportunity. Not having meat isn’t easy for me, I’m Mangalorean catholic, we guys are fed meat as soon as  teeth spring through our lil’ gums.

No, don’t get me wrong. I’m not a religious man. I like to call myself an agnostic. But then I don’t believe in the existance of ‘God’… Yeah that supernatural being who will take care of us since we’ve been very good people here. I know my views don’t fit that of an agnostic, they are more like an atheist. The reason I call myself an agnostic is  because I wish there was a God. In a shit world like this, only something inhuman can save us.

Getting back to lent and abstinence. I wish to make year 8 a special one. The year I quit smoking. To keep myself calm and composed, I intend of joining some Art of Living course in the next few days.

I don’t think I’ll go for mass today. Mass is too plain and boring. I’ll fall a sleep in  there.  I wouldn’t go all the way to church to listen to the priest tell me I’ve come from dust and in dust I will go. I might as well clean up my place and cook some vegetarian dinner tonight. Till Laters !

The Smoker Files !

Here I am again. This is my seventh official attempt to quit smoking. I’ve been smoking for the past 12 yrs. I started out as a 14 yr old boy lighting up a stick with cycling friends on weekends. We would buy a cigarette or two and light up secretly at the underground parking lots in Abu Dhabi.

The roots of my decision to quit smoking sprung when I was down with Jaundice back in August of 2010. Lying on the hospital bed I lost fifteen kilos in 5 days and struggled to breathe air into my lungs. I’m a lean man so losing  all that weight turned me into a stick. I walked out malnourished as ever coughing like a dying man with my jeans held in my hands to make sure they didn’t fall. It was then, I realised the impact those tobacco sticks had on me. I got back to smoking a month later.

Then came my new year resolution 2011. I went cold turkey and pulled 7 straight days without cigarettes. The next few attempts are not something to talk about. With all those attempts, I fell back into the trap in a day or two.

This time around I’ve decided to use Nicotine Replacement Therapy (NRT). Yeah, that is what all the science guys call it. In simple terms, I’ve begun shoving a nicotine filled chewing gum up my mouth. This pushes the nicotine into my blood stream and reduces my craving. Seems to work. But I still have the urge to blow some smoke.

So on Day 1 , 1700 hrs  I have had two gums. I haven’t lit a stick but have had two  gums till now. I’m still fidgety and a little over active. Hope, I’ve smoked the last of my cigarettes.  The weekend is coming up. It can’t get any easier.


The poem ‘If‘ by Rudyard Kipling is definitely one of his best pieces.  I chanced upon it while reading Capt. Gopinaths autobiography. He shares the poem at the fag end of the book stating that a framed copy of it is given to every NDA(National Defence Academy)  cadet.  Since then, I’ve religiously read it every morning to keep myself pumped through the day.



If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run –
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!

– Rudyard Kipling


The Mice Menace !

Let me start off with an a background now. I work in this start-up company which has around 7 employees. So, it’s pretty tiny. Since it has something to do with the e-commerce industry we have to be connected at all times to the internet and also our phone lines.

Some 3 weeks ago, the rats had declared war. Nice and steadily under stealth mode these guys infiltrated us. Earlier they were just at the pantry. But these boys after declaring war started eating up all our wires all over the office. Every morning we’d wake up to come across eaten up wires and dead telephone.  So, we decided to go for the kill and destroys these mice once and for all. I took a few pictures of the battlefield to keep all of you’ll engrossed.

Ambition !

If you want a thing bad enough to go out and fight for it,
To work day and night for it,
To give up your peace and your sleep and your time for it;
If only the desire of it makes your aim strong enough never to tire of it;
If life seems all empty and useless without it,
And all that you dream and you scheme is about it;
If gladly you’ll sweat for it, fret for it, plan for it,
Pray with all your strength for it;
Lose all fear of woman or man for it;
If you’ll simply go after the thing that you want with all your capacity,
Strength and sagacity; faith, hope, and confidence, stern pertinacity;
If neither poverty nor cold nor famish nor gaunt
Nor sickness or pain to body or brain can turn you away
From the aim that you want;
If dogged and grim, you besiege and beset it, you’ll get it!

You’ll get it!!


The above post was copied from a friend’s update on facebook. I liked the poem cause it expresses the simple desire to succeed against all odds quite beautifully.

I’ve always been an ambitious person. But getting this ambition to produce results is possible only for a few men. Few men who are smarter, more hardworking and possibly even more luckier than me. Throughout these 25 yrs I’ve spent in this world I’ve had immense respect for the most ambitious of men. By ambitious I’m not just talking about visible successes. But I also include the others who have the burning desire but are unseen or unknown. Around 2 years ago, I remember talking to an awesome Uncle of mine. He had just planted teak saplings in his farm in Karkala. He said that those saplings would turn him into a millionaire once they grow into trees. He was 75 then.

The spirit of entrepreuership never dims with age. If at all, it only grows stronger with each passing day with the realization that time is running out. But then again, lesser the time, higher the desperation, higher the chance of loosing.(case in point Shahrukh Khan in Ra.One)

So How do we reach there ? How do we ambitious young men make sure we don’t turn into desperate old men one day ?

Time Utilization. Utilize every minute of your awaken state towards reaching your goals.

New Healthy Habit to be Developed : Time Sheet.

Split your day into 16 hrs of work. Enter the work done during every hour (even if it involves banging some hot chick). At the end of the day read through the column. Analyze how many hours were well utilized and how many were wasted.